Tonight I Wanna Cry
by BabyJane14
Summary: Saying goodbye is never something that anyone ever wants to do. But sometimes you have to do it and put the past behind you in order to move on and re create your life. WARNING: Major character deaths...
1. Chapter 1

**Manda's Note**: So i love how this suddenly evolved into its own storyline in my head. Hey Guys! who wants to hunt me down and ring my neck for not updating anything in 49583349853984 years? Well I don't blame you I guess I sorta deserve it. Alright, so I really deserve it. Just take mercy on me here! I've got something for you now! Something that I think I kinda love. The title is a Keith Urban song . apparently i'm listening to country music now. But I won't get into that here. So anyways, I'm going to blame this on **Liv**, because she brought up fanfiction and once again lit my addiction. Not that I'm complaining course. anyways! I hope you enjoy this. It's intense and it's probably going to stay pretty intense for a while. I'm sorry for the deaths but they were kind of needed. Anyways! Remember you love me and **drop me a review**!

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><p>He'd watched them that morning. His dark eyes attached to the site in front of him. Watching her dressed in the probably a little inappropriate for a funeral little black dress with the twelve month old who seemed to almost have no care in the world in her lap. She sat there with her favorite pink stuffed bunny chewing away at the star that was attached to the end of it. There were so many worries and so many tears around her yet it seemed like the most important thing to her was attempting to chew a hole through the fluff. If only everything around the little girl could be that simple. If only life were actually that simple. In the past twenty-seven years Noah Puckerman had learned that simple fact easy. Nothing ever went the way you planned it to go. Sadly, for the toddler sitting inside of the all too starry nursery that was a fact that she'd always know.<p>

"Twinkle, twinkle little star…"

The sound of her singing voice was a lot more jazzy and throaty than the voice that had probably sung those very same lyrics to the little child over and over again in the past twelve months. But her voice had stayed calm and cool all the way through the lyrics as she'd tied the black bows into straight chestnut hair. She'd even kissed the top of the child's head and straightened out the black cotton dress over the little black tight covered knees. Even then the child never made a sound or a peep. She simply continued to munch away on the toy in her chubby hands.  
>Breaking the bittersweet moment wasn't something high on his list of things to do yet he didn't really have much other choice in the matter. People were asking for the pair of females who'd 'gone up for a break' a break that had been nearly an hour ago. It was time to drive out to the cemetery. It was time to say final goodbyes and lay down the bright yellow roses.<p>

"Hey Tink…"

Her old nickname caught her ears and she looked at him almost right away. It was something she hadn't heard in years. Something that had seemed to be buried in the past along with other things. The nickname was the thing to make her crack. He saw it right away, the tears pool in her deep brown eyes. For two people who hadn't been in this close of a proximity in years all of the pain and the hurt once again felt like it was right there on the surface. Like what had happened to them in the past still had wounds that showed. Who was he kidding? The pain from the past wouldn't ever subside. This here, what was going on today, this brought it all out to the surface. Like a scab that had been picked to once again revile the flesh wound underneath.

"We have to go ok? Everyone's downstairs waiting."

With eyes still connected to hears he watched her tighten one of her arms around the toddler as she lifted the tissue in her other hand to her eyes to clear the drip before they could run and ruin her perfected makeup. He knew the pain she was feeling, the same pain that coursed through both of their insides day in and day out for the past six years. This was more than just the events that would follow when she finally walked down the stairs. This was even more loss on top of everything that they'd suffered, more loss on top of everything that she'd suffered throughout her life. For a moment he wished for nothing more than to be able to take that all away. To make her forget everything that had gone on in the past. But the events of the past were their memories. They were the things that would forever haunt their day to day life, the things that had pulled them so far apart in the first place.

"Yea I …um …I'm ready. "

Giving her the best nod of understanding that he could manage he finally lost connection with her eyes as he entered the room and put his arms out for the child who went willingly to him without hesitation. The child might not have had any feelings to it but the two adults involved nearly broke at the simple exchange. The act of putting a child from one of them to the other was enough to make emotions tip toe to the edge. Before he could catch up with his brain she'd clasped a hand over her mouth and rushed straight out of the nursery trying to avoid a breakdown in front of him. He didn't need to follow her to know that as the bathroom door slammed she'd lose it on the cool tiled floor, her body sinking into a curled up ball, her sobs heartbreaking and endless. All of the pain that she'd tried to hide so well through the ears expressing its self in a fury to get out before she locked back up. Every shard of self control scattering like broken pieces of a puzzle around her, the way she needed to break.

The only thing that kept him from losing it right then and there was the cooing coming from his arms, the way the child there, completely oblivious to what had just happened, talked to her toy as if it were going to talk right back to her. He locked his feelings in then. Stiffened his bottom lip and looked at the toddler. She was looking back at him then with dark eyes that he'd once thought obnoxious and loud. They were her eyes, they were her mother's eyes. Rachel Berry had passed on her dark orbs to her daughter and Finn Hudson had passed on his easy confusion and total obliviousness. Wendela Rose Hudson was the perfect mix of both of her parents. Two parents that wouldn't ever see their daughter grow up, wouldn't ever get to see everything that she'd accomplish.

"We're going to be okay Wendy"

Puck's soothing voice murmured quietly as he rocked a little back and forth on his feet watching her with the stuffed bunny. How twisted was it that her parents wouldn't ever see another moment of her life. …They'd never see another moment of her life just like he and Santana wouldn't ever see another moment of their daughter's life.


	2. Chapter 2

**Manda's Note: **So this story is shaping up to be something i honestly love. And i have a few other updates for you guys as well but I only have time to get one up at the moment. Thanks for reading. and do me a favor? Don't forget to leave a review. **enjoy**!

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><p><em>"Congratulations for being the only girl in our senior class who hasn't slept with y boyfriend."<em>

_Santana's words slurred as she lifted the red cup in her hand up to a toast to the smaller brunette . She'd obviously drank too much already. In the spirit of graduation though she'd had every intention of drinking whatever she felt like and being hung over in the morning. She was done with McKinley, she was done with that life, she was free. Just like she'd been waiting for for years now. Free to not be under the supervision and rules of everyone around her. No more listening to Sylvester bitch and complain, no more Schue to hand the solos out to everyone else, no more Lima. Why did that thought scare her a little bit. Maybe that was the reason Santana was standing there in front of Rachel Berry insulting her? Because she was actually …dare she actually admit it… scared._

_She could see Rachel seemingly questioning her as she raised a brow in her direction. Had Santana been more sober than she was she might have shut up and stopped herself from saying anymore. But, clearly she was too far gone to edit any of her thoughts before they could fall out of her mouth. Studying Rachel silently she watched as the less intimidating girl put down the red cup she'd had in her own hand for half an hour and probably hadn't even once touched._

_"Santana, are you alright?"_

_The question was soft but she still heard it. There was almost a nice angle to it that Santana knew very well that she didn't deserve after all of the shit she'd put her through for the past four years. Why was she even thinking like that? Why did it feel like her actions were nothing but petty dislikes? Like maybe, maybe Rachel Berry wasn't all that bad._

_"Maybe you should put down the cup. I think you have had more than enough alcohol for one night. You're going to regret this in the morning."_

_She was probably right. The hangover that would be unpreventable the next morning was going to be a bitch if she kept up drinking the way she was. But having guts was something Santana only did when she felt better than everyone else around her. Lately with graduating and getting ready to move on from all she'd ever known she didn't exactly feel that much better than everyone. Maybe it was a combination of that too that made her feel the way she did. Like she needed to hold onto Lima and make amends before the times changed anymore._

_"I'm fine Rachel, I've drank more than this before."_

_she rolled her eyes yet for some strange reason put her plastic cup down on the table before taking a seat on the edge of the couch. Her way of getting comfortable to ask more, to more than that, to actually start up a conversation with the girl she'd often refered to as midget and dwarf and every other vile thing she could think of._

_"Heard you got an offer from NYU… Finn seems pretty bummed about the whole thing. You gonna be fine being separated from him?"_

_She couldn't put her finger on why she cared exactly. Maybe it was just the alcohol talking? That's what she wanted to go with regardless if she knew it wasn't. There was a part of her that was actually curious to for once get to know the girl in front of her. Along with that she was actually curious to find out how Rachel was dealing with the thought of separation from Finn. Because Santana knew that inside of her own head she was scared to death of being away from Puck. From the day she was born it seemed that the two of them had been two parts of a whole. Was she really going to be ok being such a distance from him for quite so long? Why was she even thinking about these things? It wasn't like they were even a coupe._

_As if Rachel hadn't felt awkward enough being at the party in the Fabray residence Santana was making her feel a little bit more uncomfortable. Something that the Latina could tell just by looking at the girl shifting awkwardly from foot to foot and tucking her hair in behind her ear. She for once, wasn't trying to make her feel that way. But after years of things being that way it probably wasn't all that easy to realize the fact that Santana was actually trying to be nice to the girl she'd never really bothered to get to know anything about._

_"Yes, Finn is rather bummed. But I reminded him that our love is one for the ages. If we can survive through a few years of college and remain in love and faithful, then we are proving to the world that we belong together."_

_It wasn't like she was all that great at reading people but even she could tell that there was hesitation in Rachel's words. A fear like the one in her own mind that she attempted to hide and pretend didn't exist. Because of course, Santana Lopez wasn't supposed to need anyone the way that she really did need Puck. At least, she wasn't supposed to admit that out loud._

_"you're afraid aren't you?"_

_She asked as she studied the other girls face. The nerves that sloshed around in her own stomach were some that were written all over Rachel's face. Of course putting them into words didn't seem possible. She took another small sip of the vodka mixture in her cup, anything to try and suffocate the voices telling her to bond more with Berry. The moment that Quinn saw what was going on on the other side of the room Quinn would never let her live the whole thing down. But something like this just seemed a little strange and uncomfortable to talk to Quinn about considering the accidental history there._

_"You know …I'm kinda sorry I've been such a bitch to you the past few years."_  
><em>So maybe it wasn't a full apology but Santana Lopez normally didn't do apologies. She wasn't good at them from lack of experience but what she offered Rachel was the best she could do. This whole thing of feelings and shit was something that Santana's walls generally kept out. Guess there really was a such thing as growing up.<em>

_"And don't worry so much. I see the way Finn looks at you and acts around you. I don't think you have anything to worry about."_

_Had there actually been a way to break up the power couple she of all people would have known it. She'd tried hard enough sophomore year for the simple fact that Puck had hurt her and Santana wanted to hurt him back with his best friend. Not just that but it was everything about the way Finn acted around Rachel. It'd been something that she'd only seen in movies, that classic dopey eyed look of both lust and love._

_"I-I'm not scared,"_

_Rachel's response was somewhat defensive yet Santana could tell it was nothing but a lie. Of course Rachel didn't want to look weak around her. Everyone had always tried to put on an edge and go toe to toe with her, that was the way she'd alienated everyone over the years. She accepted it. It happened._

_"It's alright, I presume that I deserved most of it. My therapist says I'm an aggressive personality. its part of my desire to get people to like me, however it ends up just pushing them away."_

_There was classic Rachel syndrome at her best. Give her a few inches and she takes a couple of miles when it comes to talking. Well, if this was a friendship she planned on actually pursuing then one of the top things on her to do list would be to teach Rachel to calm down a little bit. She'd cross that bridge when the time came to it though, for now she didn't know what she was doing let alone if she actually wanted to put in the time and effort of befriending Berry._

_"But while we are on the topic, I'm sorry about the stripper comment from last year. It was unprovoked, and flat out rude. Thank you by the way. That actually means a lot more coming from you than it would coming from anyone else."_

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><p>The sun was already up way to high in the sky, the early spring air blowing gently around the cluster of people gathered at the cemetery to say final goodbyes. This wasn't a place any of them wanted to be. Not a place that anyone felt comfortable. Yet it wasn't something anyone could avoid or get away from. The deed was done and there were two caskets of dark brown that would be put six feet under the earth's surface, six feet under the stars. Rachel Berry would forever be looking up at the stars and all to soon she'd be a part of them, just not the right type of stars that she'd wanted to be a part of. No one had thought that so soon they'd be there to burry two of the greatest things to come from the class of 2012. Then again, who ever thinks that death is going to come and claim another life?<p>

The little girl's clutch on him was tighter than it had been back in the nursery, her tiny hands bawled into fists as all of the people came by once or twice to just take a look at the things that remained. He kept his grip on her tight and protective, the way he always tried to do for all of the important girls in his life. The tight grip that he'd learned along the way wasn't always enough. Lowering his head he kissed the top of Wendy's dark hair before looking back up in the direction of the wooden casket. It was right then that something caught his eyes, a figure standing still on the other side with a single pink rose in her hands.

Her dark dirty blonde hair was pulled back away from her face, her head drooped in sorrow. He didn't have to stare at her to long to know that when the nearly eleven year old child raised her head she'd have Quinn's eyes and his own crooked smile. He knew her laughter, he knew her voice but, what he didn't know was her tears. Today mourning for a sister that somehow over the years she'd become somewhat close with he felt her pain. Maybe it was because it was the same pain they were all feeling? Maybe because there was more than that there. He'd seen her a few times since her birth, Shelby had been good with that. Beth. His heart twisted and ached a little bit more as he rested his chin atop of Wendy's head again. The day was filled with far too much tragedy and too many reminders for him.  
>His eyes had lingered in one place to long. He could see Shelby leaning down to her daughter and whispering something in her ear. Before he could make another move or take a step out of the way to avoid any more slow breakings she was coming closer and he couldn't very well walk away from her now.<p>

"Noah"

Her voice held a spark just like he was sure his own had held at her age. One that he was sure had to keep Shelby on her toes day after day. He knew now, now that the time had passed his both his life and in Quinn's that they never would have been able to raise the child standing in front of him. She wouldn't have any of the things that she had now, he wouldn't have been who he was now, who he'd worked so hard to try and become. Neither one of them had to communicate anything to know what she'd come over for. For anyone else he might have hesitated on it but there was that bond there that still held tight. Unhinging her tiny fists from his shirt he turned the toddler around to her as the teary eyed child put her own delicate little hands out to the baby.

"Go ahead Wendy, go see Aunt Beth... she'll take you to see Gammie I bet."

On a level the whole thing was odd and strange but he'd learned to cope with it the year prior when he'd walked into Finn and Rachel's place to find Beth sitting on the couch with the new born baby in her arms. It was hard to believe that the little girl now in front of him taking the toddler out of his arms was the baby he'd never gotten to hold. She'd grown up so much over the past ten and a half years. She looked up at him again, her blue eyes sparkling with a fresh batch of tears that threatened to drip out. Calm as he could manage Puck leaned forward pressing a kiss to her fore head.

"It's gonna be alright Beth. I promise."

His voice was more fatherly than even he knew he possessed. It'd been years since he'd tapped into that side of himself. Years since he'd tried to shut off that part of himself. The situation had brought him back to that spot though. Just as it'd brought back so many other things. As the figure of the two girls retreated back to Shelby he looked around the cemetery once more, his eyes never landing on the one person he was trying to find. That of which could only mean one thing…

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><p>Walking through the cemetery the sights became more desolate as he found himself further and further away from the gathering he'd come with. But he knew where <em>she<em> was. he always knew where to find her it was just that in this case he knew exactly where she was. In the place that they both wished didn't exist. The cheery tree was in full burst, prink flower peddles decorated the surrounding area giving everything a little less somber hue. he stood underneath it, a couple of feet away from where she sat in the middle of two gray sites. her struggle to keep her short black dress a major problem as she crouched down on her knees, her heels neatly placed beside the older head stone.

"Hi mommy"

Her muffled voice cracked and broke as she ran her hand over the ageing stone. Tow short years of being there for twenty the stone looked old and weathered like it'd been there longer. Compared to the headstone beside it, it had been there years longer. The one beside it was new still, the shine of the black still sparkled when the sun hit it, even as it neared six years in place. He watched her gentle movements as she turned her head in the direction of the black headstone. He could see the teardrops dripping down her perfect face then. Her composure failing again, for the second time in the day. Her hand ran delicately over the top of the stone. The words and date standing out against the background made him have to bite his own lip to control himself.

"I brought you flowers baby girl …the purple ones like daddy brought to the hospital the day you were born. Speaking of daddy, he's here too, with your cousin right now. I'm sure he'll come see you soon. You better be taking good care of your aunt and uncle up there. Better be driving them crazy."

Turning his back to her then he leaned his forehead against the cherry tree and released his own quiet tears. Why was loss always everywhere he went?

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><p><strong>Marissa<strong>: I'm sorry for the sad! I know this chapter is probably just as bad but soon... eventually? someday it'll get better and be happy again. ...well, at least I think it will be.


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